Archer quotes

339 total quotes

Burt Reynolds: That's not your car?
Archer: Yeah. What?
Burt Reynolds: Nothing... I just didn't know they sold those to men.

Cajun guy: You should'a called first... this is the only airboat for fi'ty miles, and it reserved.
Archer: What do you mean, "Reserved"?
Cajun guy: Is that not self-explanatory?
Lana: [Offering a big stack of cash] Perhaps we can work something out.
Cajun guy: Sure, if you take that money, buy you a time machine, go back in time, and be the first person to reserve that airboat.

Calzado: Tomorrow I will be hunting the most dangerous game in the world.
Archer: Jai alai?

Calzado: What the hell, damn guy?!

Captain Lammers: The stock price could only go up, they said. Well guess what?
Archer: Uh... it didn't?

Charles: Oh my god, yes. Those NAZI uniforms?
Rudy: Hugo Boss!
Charles: Shut up!
Rudy: Swear to god.

Charles: Oh my god, you like... sneeze glitter.

Charles: Okay, we're off to get our scrotums waxed!

Charles: We bought those for him and if you throw them off the roof I will fly to New York and fling acid in your face.

Charles: What? Normal as opposed to gay?
Rudy: Implying that gay is abnormal?
Archer: Not abnormal, just... gay!

Charles: Yeah. Latino men, you take the bad with the good.

Cheryl: [In the waiting room] Oh my god! how much Cancer was in him? This is so boring amd forever-taking.

Cheryl: [Struggling to operate the photocopier in the new “Green” ISIS] Stupid, efficient, Canadian lightbulbs. I can barely even see what I'm doing!
Pam: What are you doing?
Cheryl: [Holding up a “Found Cat” poster] I need six more of these.
Pam: Why do you need seven?
Cheryl: One for each cat. Duh.

Cheryl: Do anything fun this weekend? [Malory ignores her] 'Cause I sure did. Friday night was cornhole league and
Malory: [Interrupting] If I cared what you did on a weekend I'd put a shotgun in my mouth and pull the trigger with my toes. [Malory leaves]
Cheryl: On Saturday I watched a building burn down.

Cheryl: [vomiting in a toilet] Oh, my God. I'm gonna die in a toilet stall, just like the gypsy said.